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Sunday, September 16, 2018

Written in Black - 3


I know you’re able and l know you can 
Save through the fire with your mighty hand 
But even if you don’t, my hope is you alone.

*re-opens Bible app* *picks up study Bible*

Where can I possibly flee from your presence ?


You know what the most frustrating thing about this whole black situation is ? Control. It’s the one time in my life I’m forced to sit still. No to-do lists to check off, no schedules to pack with a bunch of activities,no damage control plan in place, nothing. All I can do is nothing and wait. I think it may be one of God’s way of showing me I was never in control anyway because the world didn’t stop spinning.As a Christian, I have grown to trust and believe that God works everything together for my good.
But what good could possibly come out of depression you ask ? Well, I can try to name a few.


1. Sanctification
May not be your traditional sanctification genre but... 
Depression distorts every form of truth you’ve ever held on to. It tells you, you are not fit to be alive and God shouldn’t have bothered creating you in the first place. It falsely contradicts everything good that Christ has done in you. But what good could possibly come out of such darkness ?

“Nathanael said to Him, can anything good come out of Nazareth ?.. Philip replied, come and see “- John 1:46

Depression forms a cloud and when it rains, it brings a storm with it. But that’s all it is, a cloud that sometimes produces rain and then disappears. When the rain is over, the truth that once seemed so far off would cover you in its arms like a baby being cradled to sleep. And you will learn to hold on to this truth like your life depends on it because, in reality , it really does.

2. Humility
You know when you want to do something about your situation and you absolutely can’t ? Helplessness frustrates you to the point of humility. You’re humbled by your inability to “just get over it” like they say. And then you truly learn what it means to depend on the one who holds you through the dark and brings you back into the light. 

3.Compassion
On very rare occasions, I’ve been able to speak to someone who struggles with depression, I listen to them tell their story and my heart skips and breaks at the same time. It skips in joy to know I am not a defective product, I’m not crazy and I’m not the only one who has ever experienced this. And my heart breaks, well, for obvious reasons. Now, I can truly say to someone in the middle of a mind battle- “I get it”.

Someone recently asked me: “So how do you deal with it?”
I don’t have all the answers and I think different situations will call for different approaches. Ultimately I’d say, talk to a professional who you can trust and relate to in some way. God has given us common graces like these to help us through some of the inevitable experiences of living in a broken world. Utilize them!
Preach to your mind, everyday. There will be days it'll listen, other days it will forget but never stop preaching. You'd be surprised at how the baby steps amount to a huge breakthrough. 

Having said all these, depression may never completely go away and I may still battle with suicidal thoughts. It may become that unwanted guest that visits from time to time. How do I reconcile with this ? Along side every other saint struggling with sin, pain and various forms of trials, I will wake up everyday to fight the good fight. Even if I have to dig through a rubble of mess to find joy....
Even if I have to teach this brain all over again, the truth it now so willingly attacks- what it means to be loved and cherished by the God of the universe. Even if all I can do is sit and wait...Even then, I will say: 

My heart mind and flesh may fail me but God is the strength of my heart mind and my portion forever”

"You have a beautiful smile" I giggle, not out of flattery but out of gratitude, not to the giver of the compliment but to the giver of the gift. It is indeed a gift to be able to genuinely smile, almost as if I never shed a tear before. 

Thank you, Lord. 

"And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work."- 2 cor 9:8

To anyone struggling with varying intensities of depression and anxiety I say, hang in there, soldier. I sincerely hope and pray that you get the help you need and you learn to live your new ordinary with grace from the most high God. 

Yours honestly,
Light.

If you’re struggling with depression and/or suicidal thoughts, please seek help. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK or visit www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

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