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Tuesday, September 11, 2018

Written in Black - 1

Dear Lord,

It's just a few hours shy of midnight, I lean into the steering wheel squinting my eyes with hopes of making something out of the darkness that lies ahead of us. I'm scared. Not for me, I am too familiar with the color black to shrink in its presence; we are way past that now. But I'm scared for you, I'm scared you don't share the same sentiments and my awkward friend gives you the shivers. So I blurt out like a girl who just ran into her ex while on a date at a fancy cuisine with her boyfriend..no husband- " I'm as blind as a bat at night but I'll try not to kill us both". You laugh, in the most painful way only someone who's been in the dark long enough could recognize and respond , "It's okay, I want to die anyways". We both laugh, painfully. I thought to myself: "Wow, she knows black too ?"
I first met black earlier this year, or so I thought. I lay in bed trying to convince my legs for the umpteenth time to do what they were made for - walk. There's been a disconnect between my brain and the rest of my nervous system; everything now runs on autopilot. Black lays beside me, I thought she looked familiar but I couldn't quite put a finger to why. Apparently, she'd been visiting me for a while now but never introduced herself as black. There was something off about her but like I said, my nervous system was malfunctioning and I couldn't process why. Then she starts to make me really uncomfortable, I am now floating in my own self-produced flood- a mix of tears and sweat. How can I be scared and excited at the same time. My thoughts begin to wrestle with each other, my chest responds in rebellious palpitations. What is going on ? I make one last attempt to get my legs to work, so they can take me as far away from this as possible. Nothing. No movement. All I could do was lay there and cry in utter defeat.

"I have to be at work, please let me go" I'm not sure I said those words out loud or in my subconscious but they were honest. I really needed to go. I finally get up, get dressed and drive to work. I'm driving to work and my mind is blank, I don't want to think. Then I see a truck pulling behind me and my first thought goes: " I wish that would crash into my car "
What ? Where did that come from ? Why did I just think that? I start to shake in fear, I don't trust myself not to follow the sound of that voice to fruition. Lord, please get me to work safely. Save me from me. I make it to work, alive . Almost disappointed I did. I sit in my car, my thoughts conflicted within me again as I start to ball out what's left of my eyes. Now I'm really scared, I need to talk to someone. I scan through my "list of loved ones", but I hesitate. How do you tell your family/friends you're nursing suicidal thoughts? Maybe I should call someone who's not going to freak out, suicide hotline ? It rings, I hang up to cry again. Is this really me ?  I am ashamed. 

"Did you guys hear the news about Kate Spade ? "  It's a group message on my phone. In a heart beat, I typed in Kate Spade into my safari and the headlines read : "Kate Spade dies in apparent suicide in NYC home" I really want my first emotional response to be remorse, sadness or even at the very least, sympathy but those aren’t the first to pop up in my mind. I feel envy, instead. What? Is my moral compass broken? Is the devil playing poker with my mind now? But all I could think was: “Lucky woman; finally free” Once again, I am ashamed.

I walk into my therapist's office and sit staring into blank space. She asks: "How are things going?" I break down in tears- "I'm scared" 

to be continued....

Yours honestly,

If you’re struggling with depression and/or suicidal thoughts, please seek help. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK or visit www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

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