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Sunday, February 19, 2017

Lay Aside the Weight of Your Virginity

The Uncovering

I was exhausted. I ran around the room in circles panting for breath; trying to escape from the grips of this guy who I no longer knew. He was my boyfriend last night; but I don't recognize this person anymore. With his veins popping out with lust, the only reason he wasn't sweating was because the air conditioner was blowing Antarctica air.
I saw the frustration in his eyes. I was scared, worried and tired.
"I told you I wasn't ready, we talked about this "
"Moyo, no one is ever ready" 
About 2 weeks before I saw him, we had a conversation about sex.
"I don't believe you're 18 and still a virgin, Wow?" 
He said it like I carried a deadly weapon that had to be taken away from me as soon as possible. I like to think by 18 I was already free of naivety, but a part of me believed him. I wasn't even sure what I believed. 
"So, tell me why you're keeping your virginity " - he asked in an almost mocking tone.
I didn't have an answer of my own but I quickly remembered what mama would tell me every time I left home for Uni "Moyo, keep yourself" and then I connected that to the numerous youth messages I heard at church. "Keep yourself for your husband"

So I went with that as my alibi. That has to be it. We were keeping ourselves for the man whose name we don't know yet. And oh yeah, I think they mentioned a few times that it was also a sin. It didn't make much sense to me at the time but it had to be the right thing to do.
So when I entered a room with my then boyfriend, I assumed my alibi was strong enough to convince him that I wasn't ready. All of that changed when he held my hands down and I said in a faint voice: "This is rape"
And his words locked me in a prison I would yell to be broken out of months later.
"Go tell people your boyfriend raped you and see who believes that"
Shame and Regret

He was right, it's not rape if you walked with your two legs into a room with a guy. It's not rape if after tirelessly begging and crying that you weren't ready, you give up and succumb to the overpowering weight. It's not rape if after all of that, you stay in the relationship because, "what's the point?" He was my boyfriend, so I guess he "deserved" to demand what was his. I guess it's only rape when you're not in a romantic relationship with the person. So I told myself, everything was alright.
Now that he has my "most priced possession" I guess I owe him my loyalty. Who knows? Maybe I could even make him into a husband just to clear the guilt.

A few months later, I stopped hearing from my then boyfriend. He went MIA. How? I thought I already paid the price of eternal loyalty ? Why would he just disappear.
I looked around me and the cage became a reality. I could see the bars that had been invisible for so long, I was a prisoner to my own emotions. And that was the beginning of a long, hard journey to restoration in Christ. I was broken. Nobody explained this to me. Nobody told me the implications of sex outside of marriage. It was that topic everyone kept off their tongues. And those who cared to talk about it spoke of it in foreign tongues. 
"Keep your virginity for your husband" they said. 
So we held on to these valuable possessions as they became idols to us. Those who had it found their identity in it and those who lost it either chose to live in rebellion or wallow in regret. We all became slaves to something that was just a piece of a bigger picture. We stood at the entrance of the door to the palace adoring its grandeur when we had an open invitation to live in it.

I picked up my pen today, to write to you. You who still has it,who has lost it or who had it taken away from you. The vulnerability in sharing my weakness is very little price to pay for the truth God wants you to know about sexual purity. I know there are still a bunch of 18 year olds or less walking about with broken identities. I am writing to share with you what I wished someone shared with me years back. I have decided to share without holding back so you may understand the heart of the matter and not run around in circles while you replace your treasure for dust. I want you to have an answer rooted in the word of God, one that cannot be blown by the wind of pressure, when you're asked why you live the way you live.

Why are you a virgin?

I wasn't able to answer this question with confidence years back because the answer I had didn't make much sense to me. There was no vision behind it and my foundation was pretty shaky. Which is why it was easy for me to be blown away with the culture of sex being the order of the day.
Sex was created by God and given to us as a gift. However, this gift is only to be activated within the walls of marriage because it is designed to be shared with someone whom you have chosen to be naked with emotionally, financially and spiritually. Marriage mirrors something far greater and more satisfying than just the pleasures of sex. The purpose of marriage and even sex has become so twisted by the enemy and this is exactly his goal. It is always his goal; it has always been . To convince us that God is keeping us away from the "good stuff", that we are missing out. This was his strategy in the garden of Eden and it still is today. Sex is a gift but when activated outside the purpose for which it was created, it becomes a sin. Just like any other thing done out of context. I will discuss more of this in subsequent posts.

To the One Who Still Has it

I hope to reach 3 groups of people with this post but I'll start with the first for the sake of brevity. To the virgins, those who have chosen to not have sex outside of marriage. Let me start by commending you for choosing to remain chaste in a world that glorifies sex. Now, I also want to make sure you are doing this for the right reasons. I know we have been told that we are "keeping our virginity for our husband" Sighs. While that may be part of it, it is not the ultimate goal. 
I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.- Romans 12:1
Your virginity is not a price to be won. Making that the heart of your decision will only take you so far before you bend to the status quo of the world; it is not sustainable. Take it from a sister who has been there, done that . Your decision is an act of worship, an act of obedience (John 14:15) resulting from the love you have for your Heavenly Father. God wants all of you. He has called you to live a life of holiness (Leviticus 20:26)  and choosing not to have sex outside of marriage is only one of the many ways you are living in that obedience to Christ. Don't get me wrong, it is a honorable thing to stay a virgin till marriage and one your future husband should be proud of and hopefully walking in as well. But the problem with "Keeping yourself for your future husband"is that, what if you don't get married? Is that purpose not defeated? The truth is, when your reason for staying a virgin is solely "for your husband" , you find that you will engage in every other sexual activity and say "as long as the hymen is intact". So really in this case, virginity does not equal a life of holiness. And then everything becomes okay, you open doors to a bunch of other sinful behaviors. 
Also, what happens after marriage? Idolizing virginity may lead to us becoming dissatisfied after marriage or even leading to feelings of worthlessness. When we make our identity so ingrained in something other than Christ, we are the risk of getting disappointed when we lose that thing, whether in or out of marriage.

Your Virginity is not Your Identity 

Your virginity is not your identity. Your identity is who you are in Christ and chastity is one of the many ways you are walking in that light. Make sure you are not making an idol out of it. Virginity should be celebrated and encouraged in EVERY believer (male or female) but it is not to be worshiped. Sisters, there is so much more to the kingdom of God than an unbroken hymen and I truly pray and hope that it is not all we have to offer. The life God is calling us to is of such high standards that every part of our lives must exude purity and holiness. 

So I'll encourage you once again, if you're the teenager who s being mocked for choosing chastity, I hope this message serves as a reassurance for you that you are on the right track. In fact, consider it joy that you are being persecuted, in your own little way, for the sake of righteousness (Matthew 5:10) for this should be the joy of every believer (James 1:2) But don't stop at chastity, chase God with all of your heart, mind, body and soul. Live everyday in obedience and the God of all hope will bless you abundantly that you may abide in every good work ( 2 Corinthians 9:8) He will surely give you the grace to live boldly for Him even when you are being mocked for it. You are not the first and you won't be the last to go through that. 

I am not done, I promised to address 3 groups of women and I'll be back with another post for my sisters who have "lost it" or "had it taken away from them" I truly and deeply desire to try my best possible to share the truth without sugarcoating it to the younger generation that they may live fearlessly in the freedom Christ has bought in all of our names. I will share more of my personal story and continue to pray for you all. 

God has been pressing it on my heart to share this for a long time now and I decided to obey him today.  I hope God shows you, personally, the real vision of what living for Him truly looks like more than I can ever describe or explain with a few scribbles on my blog. Please share this with your sisters, friends and anyone who needs to hear this truth.

Love always.


  1. Moyo,
    Thank you for your transperancy and vulnerability in sharing your story. This is a piece I myself will revisit and pray it reaches everyone no matter where they may fall this is so profound and everyone needs to read it.
    This piece that resonated with me. It speaks to those of all genders and ages.

  2. Thank you so much Doyin for your comment!

  3. Moyo, ur word lift my spirit. Many of us don't have a deeper understanding as to what virginity is all about apart from what our parents told us ND d fact that it's a sin. U opened my eyes to a deeper meaning of Rom 12:1. Thx for heeding to d Holy Spirit to share this piece.

  4. Praise God ! He is the one that reveals the heart of his word to us and I am glad he did that for you. Thanks for your comment.

  5. All shades of truth, transparency and wisdom in this post! Bless you!!

  6. But no man in this generation is ready to wait. They don’t even care about it. To them i’m just a regular girl with my virginity or not. They don’t see me as being different. When I tell them I can’t do it without being married, they say they’ll marry me. When I hear that, I begin to think that whoever marries me at the end might just marry me to take my virginity and after “winning”, they’ll probably leave me alone and start misbehaving.


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