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Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Your Gift is not for you

"This is how one should regard us, as servants of Christ and stewards of the mysteries of God. Moreover, it is required of stewards that they be found faithful. But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you or by any human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself. For I am not aware of anything against myself, but I am not thereby acquitted. It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore do not pronounce judgment before the time, before the Lord comes, who will bring to light the things now hidden in darkness and will disclose the purposes of the heart. Then each one will receive his commendation from God."- 1 Corinthians 4:1-5

The God Trigger

I have a heart for young women like myself and I have only come to appreciate or even pay attention to this precious gift not too long ago. See, I am an introvert in my natural state and it didn't really make sense to me that God would match make me with a gift that requires communication; at-least that's what I thought. I started to question my presumed introversion when I would sometimes go long hours having a discussion that has some connection with my faith. I could sit in a room for a whole day and not say a word even if  everyone around is talking but all you need to do is mention something God related; it's like a trigger for me lol. And this is not even an aggressive flare to defend my faith or anything, it is just a subtle kind of excitement (both to learn and share) that I can't even explain.
The same thing shows in my writing. Honestly, it is not every time I want to start an article and somehow end up in the middle of a sermon. I have tried a lot of times to water down my seemingly "preachy" tone but all to no avail. You won't even believe as I was writing this blog post, the topic I initially had in mind was completely different from where I ended up. But you know what the word says: "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaketh" Luke 6:45 
And to be completely transparent, this scares me. I've had times when I am lying on my bed just being random when I feel this unsettling urge to grab my laptop and start typing; not even sure what I am about to start typing. And no, they're not epiphanies lol

Pride and Fear

I get scared. There were times I wanted to go completely off the radar. No more social media posts about God, no more blogging, no more random conversations with people. My greatest fear stems from me thinking I had placed myself on a pedestal I would never be able to jump off from. I fear that I am painting an image of the virgin Mary when in reality I am just the woman with the alabaster box. I would wonder: "Do my writings show the heart of a broken vessel hungry for wisdom and the grace to apply the word or the haughtiness of a  know-it-all.

On the other hand, some of these thoughts are embedded in pride. There are times I thought I heard God tell me to share/do something when in reality it was just a mere desire for attention. There are also times when I sought approval from men rather than God. I would choose not to post about something because of what people will think; or post about something silently hoping I get approval from others.

Not mine but yours

Something I miss out on in my bouts of fear and pride is to whom the glory actually belongs to. Whether I decide to share/write about something or not, God will still get glory- if not through me, he'll use somebody else. God gave each of us a gift not for our own benefits but exclusively to glorify Him. While it is important to constantly check the condition of our hearts while we do the things of God, we should also try as much as possible to make it less about us.

I have flaws and even when I come out to preach the intended will of God for the way we should live, I am not guaranteed to always walk in that line (although, my hope and prayer to get closer to the point where my words are always aligned with my actions).
My prayer for everyone who has been called by God to use their gift in one way or the other, is to have the courage to make it less about themselves, the strength to carry on when they least feel like it and the humility to ask for forgiveness when they take the wrong turn.

I sincerely hope that every time I pick up my pen/laptop to write, I am reminded that it is never about me or my feelings and I hope that whoever reads something that speaks to them in some way are able to see more of the bigger God holding the girl and less of the smaller girl holding the pen.

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