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Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Swimming Against the Current

I had a bad day today. Not the "missed your bus, almost got ran down by a car and lost your job" kinda bad but more like a self inflicted one. My bad day was from within not without.
Everything either irritated me or got me sad to the point of tears.I literally felt like a pregnant woman with heightened emotions from different hormones, just that I don't have a baby growing in me.

In the mornings (not every morning), I would open my "first 5 app" - an app that encourages you to spend the first five minutes of your morning with God in worship and scripture reading. Sometimes I would go beyond the 5 minutes and sometimes I'm tempted to do other things before going into the first five, which doesn't really make it a first five anymore (God help me). 
Anyway, this morning, from the moment I opened my eyes I felt really tired- physically and emotionally. I couldn't hold on to one reason why, it was just one of those days when I had very little motivation to do anything. I did my first 5 half heartedly and then plugged my ears to listen to some gospel music.  I dragged myself out of the house only because that's what you do when you're an adult with responsibilities.

After I went to class, I headed straight to work. Seemed like my emotions were getting worse, so I decided to get off work early and go back home.  I was at the bus stop waiting for my bus when I heard a voice,audible enough for me alone to hear. 
I was like "NOPE". I don't want to pray, in fact, I don't want to do anything. I just want to go under the covers and stay there for as long as I can. And then a couple of minutes later, the conviction to pray became deeper than my emotions.
And then I was having a conversation with God in my head (or more like a monologue)
"When you signed up for this relationship with me, it wasn't supposed to be a thing of, talk to me when you feel like it. In fact, when you LEAST feel like, I want to hear from you MORE. 
Talk to me before you pick up your phone, talk to me before you talk to man
A friend who sticks closer than a brother?
The strong tower which is my name ?
My yoke is easy and my burden is light ?
Why do you let the treasures of my word slip through your fingers at the moment you need them the most?   
Why do you share your moments of happiness with me and once it gets gloomy, you don't see me big enough to handle it anymore? 
Have you shrunk me so much that the weight of my presence no longer overwhelms you? 
Have you become so blinded by your tears that you see not my new mercies every morning ? 
If there's anyone you need to pour those emotions out to, it should be me. I'm the only one big enough to handle them. Place your fears, your anger, your sadness, your depression - all of it at my feet"

I broke out and God broke in. 

It wasn't a moment of, "I heard all of that and everything disappeared" or I became all of a sudden happy!
No, this wasn't an instant miraculous healing. It was a gradual process of revival, a gentle resuscitation, a slow uplifting. I wasn't immediately relieved but I knew I wasn't alone either and this moment was more precious than the healing itself.

I know my little story may seem like nothing compared to what you're going through right now. The waves may seem to be coming at you in different directions. I want to encourage you to do one thing- SWIM (Say What's Inside your Mind). You need to swim against the current of hurt, fear, temptation, sadness and depression. The road seems tough, God seems thousands of miles away, the valley seems to get even deeper. KEEP SWIMMING. Please do not choose to drown.
You drown when you shut God out. You drown when you keep quiet. You drown when you let the waves carry you in their direction.

I am not writing this to drop you in a sea of euphemism that "It's all going to be ok". I am not here to appeal to your emotions but to point you in the direction of who can say those things to you with every bit of confidence. I am pointing you back to who has the knowledge to understand all that you're going through and the power to make sense out of the meaningless.
You just need to keep swimming against the current because that's the direction leading to God! Please, don't stop.

"Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses." -1 Timothy 6:12

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