Twenty-Lateen

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I know I have a lot to write about 2018 but I have thought about the best way to pen it down without overwhelming my readers with a wealth of information. My usual metaphoric representations or theme- based soliloquies? Raw emotions or filtered psalms? Since this is a post about 2018 lessons learned, I’ll stick to the conventional.
If you know me, you know how much I do not like clichés but because God has a sense of humor, my year was like a mesh of fake deep Instagram quotes woven together to make an actual coherent statement. How cliché can it get? You’ll see.

Joyfully Depressed

"And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work." - 2 Cor 9:8

Knowing Your Enemy by Name

It's been over 6 months since my first major depressive episode and I have since then been invested in my mental health. I read an article recently that made a point that sums up all of those 6 months: 

"When you know what the enemy is, you're in a better position to fight it" 

For the past couple of months I have learnt, first, to give depression & anxiety its rightful name. Some say the first step to healing is acceptance and as platitudinous as that may sound, it is legit. When you are in a battle with an enemy you don't know, you run the risk of fighting the wrong battle and even hurting yourself in the process. I have lived in a culture that has paid little to no attention to mental health because God forbid you say "you're sick in the head". Thankfully so, the rhetoric is changing (albeit slowly) with social media bringing to light struggles that were once hidden and even forbidden.

Written in Black - 3

I know you’re able and l know you can 
Save through the fire with your mighty hand 
But even if you don’t, my hope is you alone.

*re-opens Bible app* *picks up study Bible*

Where can I possibly flee from your presence ?

Written in Black - 2

*Reads Charles Spurgeon’s memoirs on depression* 

*listens to sermons on praying through depression*

*googles “are suicidal thoughts sin ?”* 

*memorizes Romans 8*

Reads. Listens. Writes.

Written in Black - 1

Dear Lord,

It's just a few hours shy of midnight, I lean into the steering wheel squinting my eyes with hopes of making something out of the darkness that lies ahead of us. I'm scared. Not for me, I am too familiar with the color black to shrink in its presence; we are way past that now. But I'm scared for you, I'm scared you don't share the same sentiments and my awkward friend gives you the shivers. So I blurt out like a girl who just ran into her ex while on a date at a fancy cuisine with her boyfriend..no husband- " I'm as blind as a bat at night but I'll try not to kill us both". You laugh, in the most painful way only someone who's been in the dark long enough could recognize and respond , "It's okay, I want to die anyways". We both laugh, painfully. I thought to myself: "Wow, she knows black too ?"

The Gospel and Depression (2)

"Christ Chargeth Me To Believe His Daylight at Midnight" - Samuel Rutherford

It's morning again, it's noisy again

Kick start the day with some 

incremental fear and dosing anxiety 

Heart beating, can't stop it

Tries to go back to sleep but 

the day and its troubles banging on the door

What is dependence?

When you feel your body no longer 

responds to the sound of your own voice 

Your heart's planning an escape 

from your chest 

the only thing to cling to is infinite 

The immutable 

"Prone to wander, Lord I feel it 

Prone to leave the God I love"

oops, my grip is slipping again 

Can't hold on, falling back into the deep

Again

"Verily, verily God, these legs will bury me God"

Tears are dried up 

Frustration now sits where peace used to lay

But hey, duty calls

What's left is the strength just enough 

to get me off my bed

Night

Escape is here

Eyes shut, fleeting peace 

Except it's not peace but an illusion

Even my dreams laugh at the sound of my wishful thinking 

They'd soon wake me up 

At midnight and then at 3am 

To remind me of the morning that's near 

Lord please, I'm scared

My metaphors fail me. I'm sleep

"Are you okay ? "

Yes, I'm fine

Pseudo-truth 

If I tell you I'm not 

then what?

How do I explain I see black 

When you see colors 

How do I tell you I feel blue 

Even when there's no apparent cause 

I love you for caring 

But please don't get mad 

if I just want to stay quiet 

Pray for me 

Will this cloud ever lift? 

Yes, it will

Don't fight it, don't pray it away 

What to do with the voices?

Write about them

Understand the triggers

Ask for help

Admit weakness

This is the burden, this is the weariness

Matthew 11:28

Depression is real, but God is realer

Friends & Family 

How can you help?

Pray with them 

Worship with them
Encourage them to seek help
Professional help

Don't try too hard to understand

Please don't say "get over it" 

It's often inexplicable 

Hugs, plenty of hugs

I wrote part of this poem about a month ago and I finally decided to finish it. If you pay close enough attention, you probably know someone that needs to read it. According to WHO, about 3000 people commit suicide every day. I don't know the percentage of these people who are Christians but I bet there's quite a few. We work with them, we go to school with them, we may be "them". Let's talk more about mental health and not pretend we are all okay. 

Grace and peace.

If you’re struggling with depression and/or suicidal thoughts, please seek help. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK or visit www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

The Gospel and Depression

No doubt depression is a terrifying place to be. It can be confusing , painful and even uncomfortable for some as it comes with a frustrating dilemma of trying to explain to those close to you where or how it hurts, there’s no particular spot to place an ice pack on. The most instinctive response is withdrawal, it is the easiest response I’ve come to realize.

The God Who "Gets It"

All of life is waiting. A mother has to wait 9 months to see the real life image of the baby she's imagined in her mind, a driver has to wait for the traffic light to turn green before hitting the gas pedal (I hope) and even at a restaurant, we wait in anticipation that someone will show up with a tray of food on their hands. At different levels and in different forms, we are subjected to voluntary or involuntary pause.

New Year, New...Me?

Better late than never huh? Happy New Year to everyone that takes the time to read my blog! Sometimes I scroll through my blog archives and see the views on my posts and try to imagine who my readers are. I probably don't know half of you but you have no idea how privileged and grateful I am to get to share my faith journey with you! I don't get to say thank you as often as I should.  I started blogging, roughly, 7 years ago and if you've followed my writing since then, I'm sure you are able to get an idea of how much God has done in pruning this young woman.

Don't Waste Your Loneliness

Many emotions are easy to admit. We say I'm excited! I'm happy! I'm sad! but every so often do we ever admit to the feeling of loneliness. It's a well kept secret yet a huge pink elephant that sits in the corners of our rooms on a cold winter night when the lights are down and the doors shut. Especially in singleness, it is easier to feign how often this emotion rares its head in our hearts because God forbid you show a sign of discontentment with the season the Lord has placed you in. So we find various ways to deal with this "ungodly" feeling before it becomes obvious or overwhelmingly embarrassing. So we use different mechanisms- get buried in work, binge watch tv series or if you're like me, get mad at the feeling of loneliness and beg God to take it away so I can focus on more important things.